I am in the Navy. Every day is hard. Every day is scary. Because on any given day, I could be discharged for being Transgendered.
I put my friends in danger as well. When in the military, you are responsible for reporting any misconduct or breach of regulations. For those of my friends who are aware of my identity, or even who guess at it (it isn’t really hard to see), it is their responsibility to turn me in.
No one has said a word yet. Which gives me hope. I often wonder if the military will ever allow Transgendered service members. It’s hard, no matter who you are or who you identify as, to be in a setting where you know that you are not wanted. We had “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell Repeal Training” in which they made it clear that the only thing changing was that you could not be discharged for being homosexual. No rights. No opportunities. No ability to claim a same sex partner as a husband or wife. No grievance pay for service-related death. No medical benefits. No housing/housing allowance. To sit there and hear that, though you wouldn’t get thrown out, you were still entitled to nothing because your love for another human being isn’t recognized as “legitimate”…it’s hard to remember sometimes why I joined.
I enlisted in the Navy for a variety of reasons. To fight for my country. To defend the right to live, love, worship, work. To see the world. To get money for college—education in something that I actually wanted to do. To be proud of myself for the first time in my life. To prove to myself that no matter what I was born as (female) I was still a sailor and a part of something bigger. To run from the world that I thought didn’t want me. But when I see everyday how much I have to live in hiding everyday because of the contract I signed and the commitment I made, it makes me wonder if I really am fighting for freedom or if I am fighting for a popularity contest of social interests. If you aren’t white enough, if you aren’t rich enough, if you aren’t Christian enough, if you aren’t smart enough, if you aren’t handsome enough, if you aren’t male enough, if you aren’t straight enough, if you aren’t normal enough…then it isn’t your freedom and your rights that I’m putting my life on the line for. That isn’t what I signed up for.
A lot of my friends ask me why I stay if I’m so miserable. Some days I can’t even answer that question. But deep down, I know the answer: I will not give up on my country. I believe in Country. I believe in the freedom that our originators talked of and dreamed into existence. I believe that with enough people and ideals and voices, we can have any kind of freedom that we stand up for. That is why I stand by my commitment to the United States Navy. Because I believe in the promise and the hope that comes with the name America. I am patriotic, and maybe to a point that most people my age cannot understand. But I am also queer, maybe to a point that most people above my age cannot understand. Whatever I am, I fight for it. American, transgender, sailor, friend.
So scary or not, hard or not, I am going to continue being the best sailor that I can be and hope for a future where people like me can serve freely. I will continue to hope for a military where if you have the want, the drive, the commitment, the respect, the honor, the courage…you can stand up and fight for your country without hiding behind a mask. We are already making steps towards it. We are now a military that does not discriminate against sexual orientation. Maybe someday (and someday soon) we can be a military that does not discriminate against you for being uncomfortable in your own skin.
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