Well here it goes. My name is Jason James, but it wasn't always. I am a FTM (female to male) Transgender. I was born a female, and am transitioning to a man.

I've never blogged before. I never really saw the point. But I want to write down what happens to me as time goes by. I know how much it sucks to feel like there is no one out there and in a way, I'm trying to use this as a comfort zone for myself. But I also want people in my shoes to know that they aren't alone.

So to start off, how about an introduction?
I grew up in a small town in Illinois. When the cows aren't being too loud, you can hear the corn grow. I grew up in a HUGE family, we all woke up on Sundays and went to church together, come home and work in the yard and then come in and help mom make dinner, served at 6:00pm exactly, every night, without fail. From the outside looking in, I had a cookie-cutter, picture perfect life (minus the cows maybe).
My parents were divorced when I was 11. My dad was diagnosed with Pancreatic cancer and died before I turned 13. I started smoking, and before I turned 14 I was already drinking. I cut for a while, but I stopped that because it was easily noticed and I didn't want anyone to talk to me about it. I developed bulemia which was easy to keep up because of all my siblings running around and causing helpful distractions. I got into theatre in highschool and that seemed to help me alot. By the time I was a sophomore in highschool, I was smoking more than just cigarettes; I would sneak out to go to parties, and I got money from anywhere I could find it to keep paying for my alternate reality.
I tried so hard to be a good kid after that. I don't know how I did it, but I stopped partying, stopped everything except tobacco use, I got straight A's (mostly) and was involved in every single club I could think of. But no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't help but feel like something wasn't right.
I had heard of the word once before but I  was scared to look it up. What if my family ever found out? I was already trying so hard to keep quiet from them that I was fooling around with girls, how was I supposed to keep quiet from them that I wanted to be a boy too? I told my sister one night but she called me a freak, rolled over and went to bed.
It wasn't until I got to college that I shared with a few friends that I liked women. "We always knew you were a lesbian!" But I knew I wasn't. I said they could call me gay, but not a lesbian. I told a couple of my friends that I wanted a penis and they bought me one: a turquoise blue strap-on. I was afraid to explain what I really meant because I didn't want to lose them so I kept quiet.
I didn't want to be an actress, which is what I was going to school for. I didn't want to keep playing the part of a girl, in real life and in my working life. I decided to enlist in the Navy. I wanted to be a SEAL but they won't take women. So to the aviation field I went and that's where I am now. I am 20 years old, fighting to figure out and be who I am.

That's really all there is for now. I will add more posts as time goes on, but for now, good afternoon, good evening, and good night.